Beautiful Madness

new story of my life.

2007-11-05T03:32:00.000-08:00

By my side,

you’ll never be.

By my side,

you’ll. never. be.

'Cause I’m fake at the seams,

I’m lost in my dreams,

And I want you to know,

that I can’t let you go.

And you’re never coming home again,

And you’re never coming home again.

By my side,

you’ll never be.

By my side,

you’ll. never. be.

I wanted to tell you I changed.

I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time.

I see you, you see me,

Differently.

I see you, you see me,

Differently.

You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again.......

rude...

2007-11-05T03:23:00.000-08:00

if you died, i probably wouldn't cry.
it sounds so mean.
but it's true.

is it mean to tell the truth even if it's the truth??
i really wouldn't cry.
i'd probably say "unluckyyyyy."
everyone's gonna die eventually. even you.
i'm not a bitch. i'm just honest. i dont like you. i dont like the way you act, the way you carry yourself or the fact that if i could be you, i would be you. i dont like you.

i'm mad at you because i think i deserve much better than you. that's all.

ihavenocaption.

2007-11-05T03:09:00.000-08:00

You can't label every part of your life. year 12, female, in a relationship bla bla bla. it doesn't work. there are undefinable regions of a person. like introns in DNA. noone quite knows what they do, but we assume they're important, or why would they be there??
You can't BE all the time. Sometimes you are NOT. right now, i am NOT. i'm in-between. careers, future, jobs, exams, sleep/awakeness, christianity and hell. hiter nor dither. single/taken. why isn't there a little un-definable button for this stage in life? there is for afterlife. it's called limbo. i don't feel like shimmying under a pole in the Bahamas right now. i feel like i want life presented to me on a plate, right between my enter score and free flight overseas. i'm pretty tired of pretending to care, i miss the simple life. i miss the late night text messaging and complaining about my job, i miss posing for photos and getting yelled at for not cleaning my room. i miss my mum being well and i miss my sister living at home....... i miss being 17. 18 sucks. no, 18 is good--> lifelimbo sucks.

2007-11-05T02:49:00.000-08:00

where does it stop? where do i get to choose? does there come a point when i smile really big and say "i win!!" or do i remain this person forever? in a way i'm grateful, because i was that girl who needed to be reminded, and now i am reminded. so thanks... i think.

i dont like being presented with endless choices, and really isn't that what life is all about? maybe that's why i'm failing at life. i don't want a relationship, i'm not that girl. I'm hurt and broken. I know i'm kinda strange, it's because i've been damaged. You can't see that and keep pushing me. the more you push, the more i back away. yes i'm scared....no i don't need you to save me.

I have beautiful friends, but can i rely on them to save me? are they what i get up for every morning? i can't, i refuse to live through them. i can dance, i can sing...but i dont want you to listen or watch. i can't sleep, because sleeping means dreaming, and dreaming only leads to disappointment. you can't save me... so please don't try--> i have a feeling you'll come back to me... please don't. it's safer with you there and me here. ahh the rantings of an 18 year old.

Story Of My Life.

2007-07-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I hope when you’re in bed with her
you think of me
I would never wish bad things
but I don’t wish you well
Could you tell
by the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter'cause I knew what you’d say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all okay
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know you knew
exactly what you would do
And don’t sayyou simply lost your way
She may believe you but I never will... Never again
If she really knows the truth she deserves you
A trophy wife Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss but when your day comes
and he’s through with you and he’ll be through with you
You’ll die together, but alone
You wrote me in a letter you couldn’t say it right to my face
Well, give me that Sunday school answer repent yourself away
Does it hurtTo know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was youwho chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know you knew exactly what you would do
And don't say you simply lost your way
They may believe youbut I never will... Never again
Never again will I hear you Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you Never Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to Never again will I love youNever!
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was youwho chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know you knewexactly what you would do
And don’t sayyou simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
I never will
I never will
Never again

Foolish Games

2007-06-21T04:40:00.000-07:00

I found him. He is inconvenient, inaccessible, inavoidable and ridiculously disinterested. My throat is closing over, and I can't breathe. But I can sing.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...

These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.

You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring, things that were clean.
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.
Somewhere along the line, I must've gone
Off track with you.

Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.

2007-06-14T02:04:00.000-07:00

I don't get to choose. I'm in this. And that's what makes me mad, is that all i want is to be heard. For him it's just another one, or another time, but for me this is it. this is where it ends. I don't get to choose. It's not like i haven't been here before. this is time either 3 or 4 i've lost count. But this time, if i let go, i stop breathing. This one has the ability to affect the way I breathe for the rest of my life. this one has the ability to affect the way I sleep for the rest of my life. I'm in this till it's over and it makes me so mad. in 114 days i'll be eighteen years old, and yet, if this doesn't work it will break me.

If you read my first ever blog, you would have read that someone once broke me. i've only ever met two people with the ability to break me, and this is number two.

...and i can't stand the pressure.

The storm is coming but I don't mind.

People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that I know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world - Instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.All I can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing. Now...

Small town

2007-06-14T01:34:00.000-07:00

ok so here's the thing. Sometimes i forget. I forget that I am Aliki. I forget that I am a Watson Jones and I forget that I am black. Then i walk down the streets of Bendigo and I remember. or it is remembered for me. there are 100,000 people in this town and they all know your business. if i disappeared off the face of the earth i would be found by some hick in this country town. Google my name, and there is a picture of me in year 7 in my high school uniform. Seriously, i wish sometimes I was anonymous, but I've come to accept the reality that, even if i wanted to be anonymous, i have three older siblings whose shadows i have to follow in. All these things may seem trivial to you, but when you serve people at a fruit shop who "remember you when you were in a push chair" for 4 hours straight on a Saturday morning, or walking down the street with your friends, coming home and half the town already knows what you bought and ate. I wish i was exaggerating but i'm not. this town of anglo saxons, caucasions, white people, whatever you want to call it, will swallow me alive. Not because i dislike living here, but because being a minority in a town that has the label as "least multiculural city in Australia"
I've been thinking about this for a while. I think it all started when the bus driver asked me how my new neice was. Considering my niece lives 200km away, i was startled. He said "oh i used to go for runs with your brother." SERIOUSLY.

The Blog Noone else gets to post

2007-05-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

I suppose you could say that you are metaphorical rose... and I am the nightingale.

A little intense.. A little over it.

Flames to dust, Lovers to friends... Why do all good things come to an end??

She is: lazy. fickle. inconvenient. obnoxious. arrogant. designed to drive you insane. clearly awesome. without a doubt better than you. Loves it ♥

You are: Clearly not bringing Sexy Back. Annoying.

♥

. Carving up the dancefloor. Skky blue. Shoe shopping. Nectarines. Wizz Fizz™ goes down a treat.

NIcht ♥

. Dust. Germs. Worms. && Four girls she's never met.

She has everything planned. Even her funeral music. You call it weird, whatev, She calls it prepared. If you don't go to Bendigo Senior Secondary College you really have no reason to be arrogant. Havaiana Town 2007 represent.

Things I have been told lately:
1. I don't smile because I am angry, twisted and bitter.
2. That I have no soul (because I never smile)
3. I have no sense of humour.

Facts:
a) I choose not to smile so that when I do, It's special and meaningful.
b) I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier.
c) Q: Why did the plane crash? A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Soo.... Life could be worse??

99.9% sure you no nothing about me.

Break it down into 8 parts

(Or 4 easy repayments of $19.95)

1. God. Because he chose me over perfection and saved me from eternal damnation. I do belive that one day soon the world will know why 6 million people worldwide have given their lives up for Jesus Christ.

2. Family. Because relatives are born to share our troubles.

3. Friends. Beacuse mine are honestly the best.

4. Summer. Go away winter, nobody likes you!!

5. Music. Is my everything for sure!!

6. Photography. Brings out my good side.

7. Food. Will always be my first love.

8. ♥ The one who holds the key to my heart ♥ Coz he caught me when I fell. :)

Big believer in the "Everything happens for a reason" Theory.

... Just one big 17 year old cliche really. Gets around juice, year 12, being young. Wears a bit too much pink. It's foul. Talks too much, forgives too little. I'll drive you crazy and inconvenience you. Secretly I just want you to love me. ♥

Dot Point insight to my life. I WANT.

2007-05-14T04:04:00.000-07:00

May or may not have stolen this idea from Holly but meh, what are ya gonna do about it?? :P

I Want.
I want to yell.
I want you to listen.
I want to sing.
I want to dance.
I want to worship freely.
I want to buy shoes.
I want you to appreciate my purchases.
I want to sleep.
I want to write straight.
I want to make you sweat.
I want to fly.
I want to pass year 12.
I want you to appreciate me.
I want you to disappear.
I want to get out of this town.
I want Jimmy Choo's.
I want God to empower me.
I want to sponsor a child.
I want to be blonde.
I want global warming to stop.
I want people to stop denying global warming.
I want to shoot the president.
I want to cure cancer.
I want to be sexy.
I want to save myself.
I want to write a book.
I want to grow my nails.
I want to grow some balls.
I want to understand.
I want to cut out my brain.
I want to sew up my mouth.
I want to move.
I want you to want me.
I want to be a young adult.
I want to be famous.
I want to wear Prada.
I want to be free.
I want life to go on.
I want to burn my phone.
I want to delete my myspace.
I want to delete you.
I want Christianity to be enough.
I want to be my optimum weight.
I want to see clearly.
I want to eat my weight in candy.
I want to belong to you.
I want to live on the Jellicoe Road.
I want to be adorable.
I want to never doubt.
I want to see God.
I want it to rain.
I want it to be tomorrow.
I want to watch 27 episodes of Grey's Anatomy in a row and not feel guilty.
I want 98.65.
I want 2007 to evaporate.
I want to dominate.
I want to be pretty.
I want a new best friend.
I want a new boy.
I want to be perfect.
I want to accept that I'm flawed.
I want to smile unselfconsciencely.
I want to send that message.
I want to cut off my hands.
I want a new computer.
I want to be a better person.
I want a new identity.
I want him.
I want Celia to wake up.
I want to go home.
I want to get out of this town.
I want freedom to reign.

For a Friend.

2007-05-14T03:38:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I lost a friend. Not like, hiding under the bed lost, but dead lost. She died and I lived. She died because I couldn't save us both. And she couldn't or woudln't save herself. So for now I'm done saving people, because if I fail again, it'll be like losing her again 10 times over. Here is my tribute to her.

Celia Catorina Rosa Di Bastelli. 18th September 1989- 5th May 2005. She used to dot her I's with butterflies. RIP.
I lost you long before that day, but I can't say sorry now and for this I'll say that that day you ripped my heart in two.
She was a part of me. A part of the thing I call life. Part of my thoughts, of the way I saw the world and the way I saw God. When you left, a part of me went with you too.
She will never again in this lifetime walk the earth, talk to me, laugh her obnoxious laugh, or play her stupid ringtones. We'll never fight again. Just for the record Miss Celia, Pheonix are better than Kestrels, Collingwood are better than Carlton and Delta and Mariah shit all over Joss Stone and Norah Jones. :) miss you.
I'll never watch her touch every wall before she can even think about going to bed, cross the air at the sign of roadkill, do her October rosarys or spray perfume in the air and then walk through it.
Nonna Rosa always did make the best pasta, pity her family reunions always ended in blood, we can never raid the fridge at midnight again. Becuase time is too far gone. I can't go back, and I can't stay here. I can't say sorry. There are no do-overs.
And yet, she'll always hold my hand when I climb too high, she'll always catch me when I fall. She'll always be the angel with the broken wing. My princess tooth-fairy... or something. You took my wasted heart and crushed it between your fingertips. I love you Mo Cuishle, don't ever forget it.
Your partner in crime lalaliki.xxx.

Time

2007-05-14T03:33:00.000-07:00

Time to start hauling ass.
Time to prove I can.
Time to stop caring what HE thinks.
Time to beat his ENTER. :P
Time to worry effectively.
Time to get A+'s.
Time to focus on the present.
Time to trust in God.
Time to pray.
Time to give it up.
Time to be a nicer person.
Time to S.T.O.P.
Time to get fit.
Time to make a new friend.
Time to delete myspace.
Time to stop hating myself.
Time to find a new boy to mack.
Time to stop comparing myself.
Time to stop being a doormat.
Time to study effectively.
Time to save money.
Tome to stop making promises.
Time to quit the Fruitshack.
Time to smile.
Time to get some new music.
Time to wear make-up.
Time to take a leaf out of Nic's book.
Time to let go of 2006.

Fave Bible Quotes.

2007-05-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

"If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to be and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and you will find rest because this burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

I have an obsession with quotes. I can quote lines out of every movie i've ever liked. If the movie's crap then I don't bother remembering the quotes from it. Maan I remember alot of uselses information. Anyway the point of mentioning quotes was that the Bible is choc-a-block full of quotes. Pretty convenient actually.

"Don't be afraid of anyone! Whatever is now covered up will be uncovered and every secret will be made known."
Matthew 10:26

"What God has planned for people who love him is more than eyes have seen or ears have heard. It has never even entered our minds!"
1 Corinthians 2:9

About love and such... ew

2007-05-13T05:12:00.000-07:00

I have rules. There are only 8. Live with them. :)

1. We do not talk about it. But we may think about it.

2. We do not ask questions about it. But we may ponder upon the meaninglessness of it.

3. There will be no mentioning on names.

4. There will however, be slandering, and defamation of character.

5. There will be no tears, but there will be angry words. There are no mistakes because there are no regrets.

6. Song lyrics are a given.

7. There is nothing premeditated about it.

8. There will be unforseen love.

♥

Peace. -xoxo-

Get round the blog scene

2007-05-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

First Blog ever. I said i would never make a blog for a few reasons. One: I figure I dont have time to sit on the internet and write an online diary. Two: writing an online diary is stupid. Three: I can't remember what the third reason was, but my reasoning usually comes in threes so i'm assuming there was a third.
At this very moment in time, I'm stuck in limbo. I know who I am and I know where I am, but I can't get out. Well not anytime soon actually. Something you should know about me is that I use the word "I" alot. I'm basically an only child. So i'm selfish and spoilt. You can choose to hate me for it or you can get the hell over it. It doesn't make me a bad person, and I wouldn't say I've become totally self absorbed becuase of it, but it has made me used to getting what I want and getting my own way. I am Aliki Jean Doreen Teresa Watson-Jones. It is a fact that there is only one black family in Bendigo, a city with 100,000+ people and I belong to it. If I am gregarious, over the top, in your face and act like I own the place because of it, so be it. You need to stop judging me and realise that you will never BE me. I definietly cannot be who or what you expect me to be. Thus, I am inconvenient. I don't love myself and I have more self loathing than your average person. Don't try and change this. Nothing you can say, or do will make me into a better person. I most probably don't trust you, especially if you are nice, and definietley not if you say trust me. If you break me, I'll break you. And if you think I'm scared of you and have commitment/intimacy issues, you'd be so correct it isn't funny.
Something/Someone broke me once, it shattered my life. I shattered my own life. I put myself back together. Just me and God. I swear I am not lying when I say that if anyone ever breaks me like that again, I will make them wish they had never been born. Oh plus I ramble, like right now. I'm rambling.
The only thing that's gets me up every morning is knowing im forgiven. Coz i've made so many mistakes, but God still loves me. The worst thing is I don't acknowledge His love as often as i should, but every now and again I stop, and realise how lucky I am to be alive. Some people don't survive what I survived. But I did, and it's the reason I'm still singing. For that reason alone, I'm going to sing now.

Hear these praises from a grateful heart
Each time I think of you, The praises start
Love you so much, Jesus
Love you so much.
Lord I love you, my soul sings
In your presence, carry on your wings
Love you so much, Jesus
Love you so much
How my soul longs for you
Longs to worship you forever
In your power and majesty
I lift my hands, I lift my heart
Lift my voice towards the heavens
For you are my strength and shield.