new story of my life.

By my side,

you’ll never be.

By my side,

you’ll. never. be.

'Cause I’m fake at the seams,

I’m lost in my dreams,

And I want you to know,

that I can’t let you go.

And you’re never coming home again,

And you’re never coming home again.

By my side,

you’ll never be.

By my side,

you’ll. never. be.

I wanted to tell you I changed.

I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time.

I see you, you see me,

Differently.

I see you, you see me,

Differently.

You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again.......

rude...

if you died, i probably wouldn't cry.
it sounds so mean.
but it's true.




is it mean to tell the truth even if it's the truth??
i really wouldn't cry.
i'd probably say "unluckyyyyy."
everyone's gonna die eventually. even you.
i'm not a bitch. i'm just honest. i dont like you. i dont like the way you act, the way you carry yourself or the fact that if i could be you, i would be you. i dont like you.



i'm mad at you because i think i deserve much better than you. that's all.

ihavenocaption.

You can't label every part of your life. year 12, female, in a relationship bla bla bla. it doesn't work. there are undefinable regions of a person. like introns in DNA. noone quite knows what they do, but we assume they're important, or why would they be there??
You can't BE all the time. Sometimes you are NOT. right now, i am NOT. i'm in-between. careers, future, jobs, exams, sleep/awakeness, christianity and hell. hiter nor dither. single/taken. why isn't there a little un-definable button for this stage in life? there is for afterlife. it's called limbo. i don't feel like shimmying under a pole in the Bahamas right now. i feel like i want life presented to me on a plate, right between my enter score and free flight overseas. i'm pretty tired of pretending to care, i miss the simple life. i miss the late night text messaging and complaining about my job, i miss posing for photos and getting yelled at for not cleaning my room. i miss my mum being well and i miss my sister living at home....... i miss being 17. 18 sucks. no, 18 is good--> lifelimbo sucks.

where does it stop? where do i get to choose? does there come a point when i smile really big and say "i win!!" or do i remain this person forever? in a way i'm grateful, because i was that girl who needed to be reminded, and now i am reminded. so thanks... i think.

i dont like being presented with endless choices, and really isn't that what life is all about? maybe that's why i'm failing at life. i don't want a relationship, i'm not that girl. I'm hurt and broken. I know i'm kinda strange, it's because i've been damaged. You can't see that and keep pushing me. the more you push, the more i back away. yes i'm scared....no i don't need you to save me.

I have beautiful friends, but can i rely on them to save me? are they what i get up for every morning? i can't, i refuse to live through them. i can dance, i can sing...but i dont want you to listen or watch. i can't sleep, because sleeping means dreaming, and dreaming only leads to disappointment. you can't save me... so please don't try--> i have a feeling you'll come back to me... please don't. it's safer with you there and me here. ahh the rantings of an 18 year old.

Story Of My Life.

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I hope when you’re in bed with her
you think of me
I would never wish bad things
but I don’t wish you well
Could you tell
by the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter'cause I knew what you’d say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all okay
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know you knew
exactly what you would do
And don’t sayyou simply lost your way
She may believe you but I never will... Never again
If she really knows the truth she deserves you
A trophy wife Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss but when your day comes
and he’s through with you and he’ll be through with you
You’ll die together, but alone
You wrote me in a letter you couldn’t say it right to my face
Well, give me that Sunday school answer repent yourself away
Does it hurtTo know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was youwho chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know you knew exactly what you would do
And don't say you simply lost your way
They may believe youbut I never will... Never again
Never again will I hear you Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you Never Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to Never again will I love youNever!
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was youwho chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know you knewexactly what you would do
And don’t sayyou simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
I never will
I never will
Never again

Foolish Games

I found him. He is inconvenient, inaccessible, inavoidable and ridiculously disinterested. My throat is closing over, and I can't breathe. But I can sing.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...

These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.

You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring, things that were clean.
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.
Somewhere along the line, I must've gone
Off track with you.

Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.

I don't get to choose. I'm in this. And that's what makes me mad, is that all i want is to be heard. For him it's just another one, or another time, but for me this is it. this is where it ends. I don't get to choose. It's not like i haven't been here before. this is time either 3 or 4 i've lost count. But this time, if i let go, i stop breathing. This one has the ability to affect the way I breathe for the rest of my life. this one has the ability to affect the way I sleep for the rest of my life. I'm in this till it's over and it makes me so mad. in 114 days i'll be eighteen years old, and yet, if this doesn't work it will break me.

If you read my first ever blog, you would have read that someone once broke me. i've only ever met two people with the ability to break me, and this is number two.

...and i can't stand the pressure.

The storm is coming but I don't mind.

People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that I know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world - Instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.All I can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing. Now...